Coming Home
by RowenaR
Summary: Kara's coming home from Caprica. Lee's still sulking. So? RR please. Kinda AU, now that the second season finally started.
1. I will survive

**Summary: **Kara's coming home from Caprica. Lee's still sulking. So?

**Category:** Angst/Romance (Kara/Lee-pairing)

**Rating:** M, just to be on the safe side

**Disclaimer:** They aren't mine (heck, I would be thankful if I even only had a DVD…), and they'll never be. Not making any money with it, either (though I could really, really use it – meesa poor broke college senior). Just don't sue me.

**A/N:** Me again. Still not having seen one episode of BSG2003 and now being supposed to sit over my term paper on the question whether the theories of economic redistribution and social recognition can be merged into only one theory of social justice. But I need a break now. Anyway, just wanted to say what I forgot saying in the note to "Desire": I'm not a native speaker, and my laptop's keyboard seems to have a life of its own sometimes, so please don't be too offended when noticing typos or strange grammatical constructions. I may have been reading, writing and speaking English for over ten years now, but I'm still far from doing it like a native speaker. Please take this in account.

**Coming Home**

**Chapter One**

"And so you´re back  
From out of space  
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look  
Upon your face." 

- Gloria Gaynor, "I will survive"

**

* * *

**

**Battlestar Galactica, CIC**

"Starb… to …actica Contr… do you re… me?"

The young Lieutenant sitting in CIC who had been scanning the surroundings for at least three hours but without expecting anything nearly jumped out of his seat when hearing the woman's voice faintly over the heavy static interference. But overcoming his surprise fast enough he recalibrated his wireless console, and now the signal was much clearer. "Repeat: Starbuck to Galactica Control… do you read me?" He grinned from ear to ear and answered: "Yes. Clear and distinct. Welcome home, Lieutenant."

Kara grinned, being slightly happy that it wasn't Lee answering her call but Lieutenant Maggan. She still grinned, when she answered: "Thank you, Galactica. And I even brought something back from the trip. Tell the Commander, I have the package and two surprises. Though one isn't quite pleasant. In fact, we need a security team on the flight. Well, and maybe a med team as well.", she added, when she had thrown a short glance over to Helo who didn't look all too good. And well, to be honest she knew she wouldn't be able to ignore the throbbing pain in her thigh any longer.

"Sir… the Commander's… not available at the moment. I'll tell the XO and the CAG." _Not available?_, Kara thought and frowned? What did _that_ mean, Adama "not available" on working shift? But she chose not ask, and instead said: "Yeah, well, spare the XO. Just tell the CAG." Tigh would be chewing her out later for preventing Maggan from telling him she was back, but she really didn't want to have anything to do with the old drunk in at least two more hours. Maggan on the other side affirmed her order, and then told her to proceed the landing.

In that moment she suddenly didn't want to return to the Galactica anymore. The dread of having to look into Lee's eyes after all she had done and the guilt she felt for jumping to Caprica without talking with the Commander after her confession and the things she would have to tell Chief Tyrol about all suddenly began to weigh down on her heavily. It was just her burning wish to get out of the vicinity of that… _thing_ posing as Sharon Valerii cramped inside the raptor behind her, that drove her to finally landing.

Once she was settled on the flight deck and she had opened the hatch, a security team surrounded the Raptor even before the deck crew could come nearer to assist with post-flight procedure. Getting up slowly – mostly because of the wound in her thigh, she wasn't afraid of Security, mind you – Kara got up and out of the spacecraft, followed by a very sluggishly moving Helo. When they were both outside on the deck, Kara jerked her thump towards the Raptor and told the Security team: "It's in there. Vicious bitch, it is. Have fun, guys. But don't take too long, I need the post-flight getting done ASAP." She heard a polite cough behind her and turned to see Specialist Cally kind of nervously fiddling.

"Uh… negative, sir. CAG wants to see you on Life Station ASAP." Kara furrowed her brow. First the Commander "not available" and now "CAG wants to see you on Life Station"? What the frak was going on here? "On Life Station? What's he doing _there_?" The young crewman cocked her head to the side. "Visiting the Commander, of course." Huh? This was becoming weirder and weirder. "He's doing _what_? What the frak has happened here?" By now she was ready to punch just _someone_ to get a satisfying answer. Which made Cally back down a little. "Uh… oh… errr… you haven't heard what happened yet, Lieutenant?" Kara's hands clenched into fists. "Heard _what_, Cally?" She could swear that Cally had shortened several centimeters, as if cowering. "While you were away, the Commander was shot by Boo… the thing that claimed to be Lieutenant Valerii, sir. It happened three days ago, and since then Captain Adama has been at Life Station, watching over the Old Man. And now he wants to see you there."

As soon as Cally had mentioned Commander Adama being shot, all color had drained out of Kara's face, and all anger had left, leaving a lump of dread in her stomach behind. And it became even worse when she said that Lee had been at Life Station three days straight. Lee would rather be grounded two weeks than neglect his CAG-duties even one hour. Neglecting it for three days straight in favor of being at Life Station visiting his father meant the situation was beyond grave. Cally most have seen the thoughts flying through Kara's mind, as she tentatively said: "You should be going, sir. He didn't sound as if he was in the mood to wait." Without a word, Kara nodded, but looked back at the Raptor, which now was ready for post-flight. Cally just said: "Don't worry, sir. We'll take care of that. Now go before he becomes so angry that he puts you in hack without you even having blinked at someone the wrong way." Still like being in trance, Kara turned around again and made her way to Life Station. Coming home had never felt so terrible.

**Life Station**

Lee starred at his father's unconscious form on the bed before him, but he didn't really see anything. There was just one thought in his head. _So she's finally back._ The only thing betraying his nervousness, anger and insecurity about having to see her again in just a matter of minutes was the slight twitching of his right foot. Since her jump to Caprica he had been in a constant state of anxiousness, anger, jealousy, fear and a thousand more feelings, none of them pleasant. He still had all the questions in his head. How she could have gone to bed with that prick Baltar. How she could have let herself being deceived by a confused and slightly insane president. How she could have ever thought she could get away with such an act of treason against the people, against the Galactica, against his father and most of all against _him_. She was so going to be…

"How bad is it?", came suddenly a very quiet voice from the other side of the bed, and he looked up, just to see a very pale Kara with a battered flight-suit and a makeshift bandage around her right thigh. For a moment his heart stopped beating, but then he had himself back under control. "Well, what does it look like, Lieutenant?" She slightly cringed at the tone he had used, and she was right to do it. She deserved the coldness and bitterness aimed at her.

"Lee, I…" Suddenly he couldn't stand the sight of her anymore. So he did the only thing seeming possible at the moment. "Report back to Colonel Tigh and then to the flight deck to do your post-flight, Lieutenant. After that you go straight to your quarters and stay there. Until further notice you're grounded, Lieutenant. Dismissed." For a moment the only sounds being heard where the back humming of normal Life Station activity and the beeping of some of the machines the Commander was wired to. And then she exploded. "What the frak do you think you're doing? First you want to see me "ASAP" here, then you only tell me to report back to Tigh and do my post-flight and most of all, that I'm grounded? What's going on in that thick head of yours?" He forced himself to look up at her and coldly returning her fiery stare. "You go on an arbitrary suicide mission, breaking my father's heart along the way and committing treason on top of it, and _you ask me what's going on in my head_?" He hadn't screamed at her, but he didn't need to. The effect of his level and cool voice were all the graver.

"Look, Lee, I…" He didn't want to hear her apologies. Not this time. He didn't want to hear _anything_ from her. "You have your orders, Lieutenant. Obey them, or I'll have insubordination added to your record." Lee half-expected her to throw another tantrum, but after a moment of silence she just said: "Yes, sir.", and went away to find Tigh.

After she was gone, Lee squeezed his eyes shut tight. This wasn't how he had imagined her coming home. Dressing her down, yes, but having give up so fast? What the frak had happened to her? And what had happened to _him_ that he could be so cold? Seeing her home again had never felt so terrible.


	2. Fool for you

**Chapter Two**

"I had so much to tell you but no words to say  
It doesn't matter anyway."

- Heather Nova, "Fool for you"

* * *

** Crew Barracks**

She had no idea what to do, and that scared her. Normally, sooner or later she knew how to act, mostly she even acted before thinking, but now she had absolutely no idea. She had been sitting on her bunk brooding for at least three hours now and nothing came to her. All she could think about were the Commander's still and even somehow fragile sleeping form on Life Station and the coldness in Lee's voice when he had been telling her she had broken his father's heart and the sick feeling she had had in her stomach when he had told her that she was grounded for an infinite amount of time.

_What did you expect, stupid?_, a traitorous little voice whispered in the back of her mind, and she tried to ignore it. But in the end it wormed its way back again. _Be honest: You_ knew _you would be punished eventually. And you knew it would result in being kicked off the roster._ And _you knew Lee would be absolutely_ pissed _at you._ Angrily she rammed her fist into the wall beside her but all she got were bruised knuckles. But at least the pain distracted her from her circle of thoughts.

She leant back and closed her eyes, flexing her still aching fingers. And then she wished she hadn't. Because in the moment she closed her eyes, Commander Adama's pale face with the dark circles under the eyes appeared as clearly before as if she was standing in front of his bed again. Kara had the distinct feeling that from now on she would be haunted by that face and the feelings of guilt it produced forever.

She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to get rid of the haunting image, even if only for a short time, which worked, actually. Well, if having Commander Adama's pale face having replaced by the cold look in Lee's eyes as he had sent her out counted as "work". The look had helped to increase the feelings of guilt she already had had at least tenfold, and most of all it had crushed her slight hope of resolving their argument from before she jumped. If he had had any feelings for her before that – which wasn't unlikely given the amount of jealousy her little stint with Balthar had created in him – they were now surely reduced to nothingness.

She wished it was possible to give oneself a thorough beating up because she felt that she deserved it. Not that she regretted going to Caprica and retrieving the Arrow, but she regretted the way she had left, and everything that had to do with the incident with Balthar. She regretted having fought so much with Lee recently which had severely bruised their friendship, and she regretted giving it the death blow with sleeping with Balthar and then fighting with Lee to the point where they had been exchanging blows.

**

* * *

**

**Life Station**

Lee had been sitting for another two hours at the bedside of his father, when the old man suddenly stirred. It was almost not noticeable at first, but when the Commander opened his eyes, Lee was shaken from his brooding at once. For a moment both men only starred at each other, but then the Commander croaked something that sounded suspiciously like "What, abandoning your post, Captain?", and for moment the only thing Lee wanted to do was hug his father to oblivion.

But he chose to bow his head and mumble: "No, Sir. Sorry, Sir." He looked up. Was that… disappointment he saw fleeting over his old man's face for a second or two?

He dismissed the thought as his father obviously had decided to play along with answering: "You're excused for now, Captain. But I see Col. Tigh has released you the brig?"

Lee nodded. "Yes, Sir. After Ka… Lieutenant Thrace… went away we were short of good pilot too many, and I was released out of necessity."

The older Adama heaved a sigh. "Is Lieutenant Thrace…?" The same bitterness Lee had been feeling upon seeing Kara enter Life Station filled him again, and he couldn't quite manage to control his voice and speak in an even tone when he told his father that she was back again and that he had sent her to her quarters until further notice. His father was quiet for a while, then said: "You should have sent her to the brig, you know." Lee was surprised to hear this from his father as he had expected him to make a lot more reproaches. But maybe it was just the weakened state his father was in that kept William Adama's voice so quiet and the amount of his speech so low.

So Lee nodded and said: "I know, Sir. I… I don't know how I could not…"

His father weakly held up one of his hands to stop him. "You really should talk to her, son." It was spoken again in a quiet voice, but Lee could hear the steel beneath it very clearly. His father wasn't giving him an advice, he was giving him an order.

But today he was in no mood to obey such an order, and he told his father so: "With all due respect, Sir… I don't think so. There's nothing to say between us. I will have ordered her to the brig and have her court-martialed as soon as possible. I don't know what else should be worth saying about the whole affair."

His father sighed, and suddenly he didn't look only frail or weak, but mostly _old_. "Oh yes, you do. You have a lot of unresolved issues, and you need them cleared up. I have known both of you for almost all your life" – to that Lee couldn't quite stop himself at making a snorting noise – "and I can see very clear that you need to work through your issues ASAP. You think you can control yourself, Lee, but it's very easy to see through it and see how something is eating you up from the inside. And as I recall that Kara left with Dr. Baltar on Colonial Day…"

"Don't you _dare_ bringing that up. I have absolutely _no_ clue how this should be of _any_ concern for me. Lieutenant Thrace is her own woman and fit to make her decisions on her own. All of this has nothing to do with _me_. Sir.", he added a little belatedly. He looked at his father, ready for an outburst, as weak as it would be with Adama just having woken up. But the outburst never came.

Instead of it his father just said: "Don't try to fool me. And don't try to fool yourself, Lee. Stop sulking and start thinking. And now get one of the doctors here, I don't want to wait any minute longer before being discharged than necessary." With that, he was quite obviously dismissed and ordered to talk to Kara, Lee realized. Without attempting to argue any further he stood up and went in search of some medical personal before heading off for the crew barracks.

* * *

**A/N: **All right... I have taken my time with an update, and I really want to apologize for that. Due to some IRL-events (papers that needed to be written, a camping trip that need to be attented, an election campaign that needs to be helped with...) my writing time and writing inspiration had to stay behind a little, but now I'm back, and I intend to make my up-dates a little more frequent.

And of course I want to thank my reviewers, WendyH, Exp, and the one anonymous. I love getting reviews, and the hit rates show me that a lot more people look at the story. I'd love for them to leave behind a review as well hint hint nudge nudge ;)

Oh, and if Lee and/or Kara seemed OOC to you in this chapter or will seem OOC to you in the next chapters then I can explain that: I wanted to write a story with people who have finally reached their breaking point, and when people do this they sometimes start acting very weird, and certainly not in-character (at least, that's my experience). I guessed that Kara and Lee would both somehow snap and do things that maybe are uncharacteristic for them, just to show how finally breaking could change a person. I hope you understand.


	3. Love hurts

**A/N: **All right, normally I post these _at the end_ of my chapters, but this is a special case here, because I fear that a lot of you will be hating me at least after the first part. But please keep in mind what I wrote about Lee and/or Kara being OOC and my intention when starting this story. I _promise_, that this will not be the last twist in the plot. 

As for Tigh (who will be entering the stage in the second part of the chapter): I would highly appreciate some comments on his "in-characterness" (if you get my meaning) because what I'm doing here is like flying blindsided and relying purely on instinct. Well, that and the fanfictions, homepages and character guides I read up to now. I just hope I drew him at least roughly as you get to see him on-screen. 

Anyway, am talking way to much, will now let you read the story in peace.

**Chapter Three**

"Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars…"

Nazareth, "Love hurts"

* * *

**Crew barracks**

She was still sitting on her bunk, with her hands grind into her eyes, and already losing the fight against the tears, when he finally found her. For some seconds he just looked at her, unsure what to say. Then his resolve won over, and he straightened out his uniform, cleared his throat and said: "Feeling sorry for yourself?"

If she was startled by his sudden appearance, she didn't let it show. Instead of jumping or looking up she just said: "Frak off, Adama." Not gruff and abrasive, but just… tired. Okay, so she thought she was getting away easily. But not this time. Just not this time.

"Not for all the Vipers on this ship, _Lieutenant_." With a few large strides he was at her bunk, staring at her with his arms crossed. For some moments, nothing happened, but the tension in the room was so thick that you could almost slice into it with a knife.

Then Kara said: "I said "Frak off.", and I _mean_ "Frak off.". _Captain._", and something inside him snapped. Not at the inherent insolence, but at the tired tone and the quiet voice. _She_ was tired? She who had caused him all the jealousy and fury with jumping in bed with Baltar, and she whom he had been worried sick for when she went away on a suicide mission. She, who had not been there to help him through the time where he was forced to work against his own father. She, when he had been in the brig for this and when he had been nearly out of his head for worry when his father was shot? _She_ wanted peace? Well, he would give her peace.

Almost by itself his arm lashed out, grabbed her ankle and yanked her from her bunk by it. Ungraceful she tumbled onto the deck. But instead of bucking up and coming to her feet again, she just staid there, sitting on the cold deck, not looking him into the eye.

In his blind fury, Lee wanted – _needed_ – some response, or he would get even more agitated. For _weeks_ he had been forced to bottle up everything inside. The jealousy at Baltar. The anger at her betrayal, both with jumping in bed with that git of a vice-president and with hijacking the Raider on some suicide mission. The worry for her when not hearing _any_thing of her. The anger at Roslin's part in the whole suicide mission thing. The shock at seeing his father being shot by Boomer. Just _everything_.

And now he needed to take it out on someone, so he hauled her up and sent his fist flying into her face. As it connected with her cheekbone the bone broke with a sickening _crack_ that rang through the empty crew quarters. For a moment the only sound was his ragged breathing, and then she crumbled and fell to the floor, saying nothing, but shaking with silent sobs.

But Lee had finally crossed the edge. There was nothing breaking through the red haze in his mind, and so he didn't stop but just went on. He kicked her, made her fall to her side, gave her another kick… and all the time she was silent. And something inside wished she would scream, finally scream. Hearing her scream would mean hearing her suffer. And he wanted her to suffer. Gods, how he wanted…

"Captain? Sir?" He whipped around. Standing before him was the bewildered figure of Helo. The appearance of the other man and the utter look of confusion on his face somehow worked like a bucket of cold water, and suddenly Lee felt hot waves of shame and regret flow through his veins. Behind him Kara was making a small sound that seemed to contain all the hurt and pain she must be enduring.

Something in him refused to let him turn around, and so he stood there, rooted to the spot, caught like a deer in headlights. For a moment it seemed that time had been frozen by the Gods, but then Helo spoke up. "Sir… is this what I think it is? Because, if it is, I need to…" _call security_, Lee finished for himself, but didn't say anything. Helo seemed to take that as a yes, since he was already calling security and medical personal to the crew barracks. When they finally came, Lee let himself be arrested without resistance.

**

* * *

**

**The brig**

"So soon back in hack, Captain? You're not planning on making it into a habit, are you?", Colonel Tigh asked with an accompanying smirk, but was only answered with a brooding look by Lee Adama. "Lieutenant Thrace is quite stable now, they told me. I thought you maybe wanted to know that." Still nothing but the dark stare. Tigh had hoped for some other – stronger – reaction, but he could live with that, too. He would just have to thrust in the knife a little deeper. And maybe twist it a little.

"They say that she got away with a cracked rib, cracked cheekbone, broken wrist and broken knee-cap, the knee, that was still healthy, by the way. Well, that and a whole lot of bruises. I don't know about any internal injuries because she was still in surgery when I went to find your sorry ass here." No reaction but the stare. Whatever it was that had brought the Captain to attack his 2IC so violently had obviously subsided. Or was just gathering strength to come back with a vengeance. Tigh was there to find out which of the two applied. "That was a pretty good job you did to Lieutenant Thrace, Captain. Nice to see _her_ being beat up for a change. I owe you one." Tigh had started to pace, with his face always on Adama. But the man was just staring, following him just with his eyes. But Tigh wasn't someone easily intimidated.

"Is it true that she didn't fight back? I almost sent Agathon in here with you for lying to a superior because I just couldn't believe that the great Starbuck would let her buddy, the CAG, beat the crap out of her. So, care to enlighten me, Captain?" Was that a glint passing over Adama's eyes? "Oh come on, you can't tell me big, brawling, fearless Starbuck let herself being beat up by _you_ without not even lifting a finger. I mean, she beats you at _every_thing. Flying, cards, fighting…" Oh, now look at that. A twitch in Adama's fingers. Tigh decided to push his luck a little and came to stand right before the bars, peering down on Lee. "Is that the reason you're not good enough for her? Scuttlebutt has it that she got to frak the _vice-president_ – that was it, wasn't it? You wanted to show her just _how_ much you appreciated of her whoring her way up the top, don't you? Well, I wouldn't count on it that you got your message through. You of all people should know about Lieutenant Thrace's sexual moral…"

In the blink of an eye, Lee was up and gripping Tigh's collar tightly, thus pressing him to the bars. "Don't you _dare_ calling Lieutenant Thrace a whore.", he said through gritted teeth, and his ice-cold green gaze bore right into Tigh's brown, mildly surprised one.

"I would advice you to let me go, Captain, if you want to go back to flying Vipers some time soon.", was all that Tigh stated after a moment of perfect silence. With just a bit of lingering aggressiveness Adama finally let go. Threatening him with taking away flying from him always was successful in the end, Tigh knew. With a scowl Lee backed away into the farthest corner of his cell again and settled into the staring routine again. But before Tigh could continue with his interrogation session, a guard came bashing into the brig, calling "The Commander wants you on Life Station ASAP, Sir. He says, he needs you for a bridge officer briefing."

Gritting his teeth, Tigh just nodded. But before finally storming off to Life Station, he turned a last time towards Lee. "Seems we have to continue our conversation another time."

Surprisingly Lee answered him: "And I'm looking forward to it as much as you. Sir."

* * *

**A/N #2: **Oh, before I forget it _again_: Thanks to the people who put "Desire" into their C2s, one of my greatest dreams was to have something of mine achieved into a C2 :D No, really, I'm dead serious. Thanks yo much, you just made my day :) And of course thanks to my reviewers **crookedpen**, **Aleja21 **and **CCI4**. I really appreciate your feedback :) 


	4. Injected Paradise

**Chapter Four**

"How does it feel to get kicked when you're down and out?  
I said, how does it feel to get pushed off the edge and just fall,  
fall to the ground?"

Pain, "Injected Paradise"

**

* * *

**

**The brig**

The Colonel had been absent now for quite some time. Time in which Lee had had enough leisure to think. Which he absolutely didn't want to do. Because then he would feel like being burned by the hot waves of shame and remorse and disgust that seethed through his veins.

He squeezed his eyes shut and hugged himself tight as the sheer immensity of what he had done made its final impact on him. _What_ in the name of the gods had driven him to such an insane thing? How could he do this to his second-in-command, his brother's fiancé, his best friend? He shook his head. She wasn't only this, she was… she was… the most important person in his life. Not even his father was more important since the old man had always kept e distance between them, however small it was.

But Kara… Kara had been under his skin right from the first moment he had seen her. She had not been shy but the complete opposite. Granted, the first contact they had had, had been her fist cracking connecting with his nose and they had had quite some rocky months after that but it had never stopped them from being friends in the end.

And it hadn't stopped him from developing deeper feelings than just friendship for her in the course of the years. He still regretted not telling her, first out of shyness and the fear of being rejected, then because of regulations and his frakking need to cling to them, no matter what.

When Zak and Kara had finally announced their engagement, Lee had tried to get over her, forget her, at least get over the feelings of raging jealousy he felt every time he say Kara and Zak exchange public displays of affection. And being Kara and Zak they did that _a lot_. But Lee had kept it all to himself, wishing them luck, playing the happy big brother.

And then Zak had died, and amidst the raw pain of losing his younger brother, the small and delicate flower of hope had started to bloom. Maybe, he had hoped, maybe, when the worst mourning was over, and Kara would start moving on… maybe she would move on to _him_.

Lee whimpered almost without sound. He knew it had been wrong, and he still felt deeply ashamed of such a selfish thought. But he kept that to himself, too, trying not to push her or put pressure on her. Which had – ultimately – resulted in Kara jumping into bed with another men. Oh yes, she had done this quite some times since Zak's death, but somehow it had never bothered him as much as this escapade. Maybe because they had all been faceless, far away from him. But most probably because in the end she always came back to him. When those guys were water under the bridge he still had her to play cards with, spar with, talk with. And because he hadn't felt such a tension between them, such a promise of things to come.

For the first time in his time knowing Kara, Lee had felt like he could finally make a move. He had had even a plan, a schedule. Turned out that Kara had other plans, another schedule. One that was a little more fast-paced than his. _Could it be… that she was just fed up with waiting for you to make your move?_, a little voice in the back of his mind asked, but he tried to ignore it. Listening to it would mean that he had had a real chance to finally get what he had wanted for years now and that he had let it escape _again_. And this time… this time there would be no other time.

_Yes, because you made pretty sure of that_, the treacherous voice whispered. He groaned. Even after her jumping to bed with Baltar and leaving for a stupid suicide mission, there would have still been a chance of mending what was broken. Now… how could he look her into the eye ever again? How could she even be on the same ship with him?

Yes, they had had their rows in the past, even with erupting into full blown fist fights, but they had _never_ hurt the other one when he or she was helpless. They had only used physical violence in an amount they somehow knew the other could sustain. They had _trusted_ each other about this. And now he had gone and broken that trust. Why, why, why hadn't he stopped when he had seen that she wouldn't fight back? And why in hell hadn't she fought back? This wasn't Kara, and if he hadn't been blinded by the red haze of bottled up frustration, jealousy and anger, he would have seen it.

Lee buried his face even deeper in his arms. He had always taken pride in being so much in control of himself, so much able to keep to himself what was bothering and functioning even if he absolutely didn't feel like working on the inside. Once Kara had told him in her unique way that he was doing himself and others no favor by keeping everything to himself. One day, she had said, one day all of this would make him explode, and then everyone in his vicinity was at the mercy of the gods. The cruelty of the irony that in the end it was _her_ who needed the mercy of the gods was almost unbearable.

How could she ever forgive him such a failure of self-control? How could he even dare to ask for forgiveness when he clearly didn't deserve it? In that very moment Lee wished it had been him Boomer had shot and not his father. Then he would have never had the strength to assault Kara like that. He would have been bound to bed on Life Station, with enough time and rest on his hand to listen to Kara and come to terms with everything. But…

"Still feeling sorry for ourselves, are we, Captain?", the taunting voice of Colonel Tigh broke into his reverie, and somehow Lee was even grateful for that. He had been only one step away from breaking down into a crying heep.

**

* * *

**

**Life Station**

"How is she?", the elder Adama asked the doctor who had been assigned to Starbuck.

The doctor cleared his throat before answering and said: "Well, stable and conscious, Sir."

Adama's face lit up briefly. "Can I see her?"

Clearing his throat again, the doctor said in a kind of cautious voice: "Uh… no, Sir. She said she doesn't want to see anyone, and considering the… circumstances that led to her current predicament I would strongly advice to keep to that." Adama wanted to answer something, but thought better of it in the last moment. From what Agathon and Tigh had related to him, obviously Lee had lost it and had beaten Kara nearly unconscious.

Absentmindedly Adama told the doctor his thanks and leant back into his pillow. _This wasn't what I meant with "Stop sulking.", Lee._, he thought, feeling incredibly old and tired. He blamed it all on not yet being fully recovered, although he knew full well that to some extent his tiredness had nothing to do with it. How could this have happened? How could no one have seen that Lee was a lose canon? And how could Lee do something like this to Kara Thrace?

Although Caroline and Lee both had accused him each in their own way of being uninterested in their lives on Caprica, he had very well known that Lee treasured no one else as much as Kara, even more than his mother or brother. And certainly more than his father. But Adama knew that this wasn't about him, but about Kara, and that was what he had to worry about. From what Tigh had told him about from his first visit to the brig, Lee still seemed to care about her deeply, making him wonder all the more what had driven his son to assault her with so much force that they needed to go into surgery.

Suddenly something Kara once had said about Lee came to his mind. "He's like a crate full of explosives. One spark at wrong time and boom, everything goes up in flames. Really, I don't want to be around when _that_ happens.", and then she had laughed her usual full laughter, dismissing the thought immediately. Who would have thought that in the end it _was_ her who had to take the full brunt of an exploding Lee?

Granted, the possibility actually was pretty high, since after the Holocaust and Lee being made CAG of the Galactica, Lee and Kara had spent a tremendous amount of time together, and at the same time the strain on Lee had risen exponentially. They all should have seen that Lee needed a break, most of all after the events on Colonial Day.

Adama shook his head and closed his eyes. He knew that something had happened between Baltar and Kara, but he didn't know the extend of it. Judging by Lee's reaction earlier that day it must have been more than just talking. And it must have made quite an impact on Lee. Well… who would have thought that Lee would be prone to let himself be controlled by something as mundane as jealousy? A sigh escaped Adama's throat. There was still so much he didn't know about his son and Kara, and he wished he had known before because maybe he would have been able to see through it all…

No, he decided. What Lee didn't want people to know he didn't tell them. And in some way, Kara was the same. Where Lee just was silent about it, Kara would brush it off gruffly or laugh it off, but they both kept a lot of things from others. And obviously from each other, too.

He sighed again. So much broken, so much needing to be mended. And so little time for it. The tiredness from earlier now came back with a vengeance, and the last thing he thought before drifting of again was that he hoped, Kara and Lee would be able to sort through all their issues before their time was cut short by another Cylon attack.

* * *

**A/N: **WHEEEE, I'm on a roll, people! Two chapters in two days is almost a new record! And of course thank you for all the great reviews in just one day (this **is **a new record). 

**Aleja21 - **Thanks for staying with the story, even if you were shocked by the last chapter (well, **I** was certainly shocked by it :S).

**Renni - **Surprise, surprise, a new chapter. But don't get used to regular daily up-dates ;)

**Kou Shun'u - **Yes, since Tigh didn't seem to be a great fan of Lee's actions in the last two or three episodes of the first season (please remember that this is kinda like flying blindsided for me since BSG 2003 still hasn't found its way over the Atlantic to us Germans), I figured he'd be delighted with Lee spending a little more time in hack. And of course there's the need to find out why Lee lost it like this, and obviously Tigh is the "bad cop"-part, if you get my meaning.

**Kathea - **Errr, right, the typos... I'm really sorry about them (yes, I do have perfectionist tendencies...), but it seemes that I'm always writing my chapters in the dead of the night, after particularly long and exhausting days... anyway, thanks for confirming Tigh's "in-characterness" :)

**Pronger44 - **I see you fully got what I was aiming at. Good to know because it means that I'm obviously able to get my point around to my readers. I hope that this chapter cleared it up even a bit better. And I hope I get away from the contemplative writing and start getting back to the actual plot as soon as possible :p

**daphne-peneia - **Oi, a fellow left-wing Middle-European :D "Völker, hört die Signale! Die Internationale erkämpft das Menschenrecht..." All right, I'm being really silly at the moment, and I'll just blame it on the hours at which I'm writing this...

**adafrog - **Well, I'm interested, too, in which directions my plot-bunnies will take my creation ;)

And last but not least: Mighty thanks to the amazing **Persephone** who looked through her CD collection in the middle of the night to provide me with a dearly needed song quote for the start of the chapter. I think, she found just the right one, and I'd really like to thank her for that. Without her, the chapter wouldn't have been brought online today.


	5. I miss my Sky

**Chapter Five**

"Sometimes I wonder  
Why we're always coming down  
And why we need to touch the ground  
And why I didn't keep on heading  
right on up to heaven  
I miss my sky."

Heather Nova, "I miss my Sky (Amelia Earhardt's Last Days)"

**

* * *

**

**Life Station**

Kara had been lying here for three days now, and she had not moved an inch. She just lied there, staring at the white wall opposite to her bed, waiting for the time to go by and the pain to go away and the feeling of emotional numbness to subside. Sometimes she closed her eyes and managed to dose off or even sleep, but in the end nothing could end the overwhelming exhaustion she had been feeling for three days now.

Suddenly she heard a rapping sound. She blinked. There, another time. Where... Oh right, someone was knocking on her door. She had been given one of the sparse single room on Life Station because the doctors believed she needed to be alone to recover. To tell the truth, she wouldn't have cared if she had been in a room with a hundred people. There would have been nothing that could have waken her from her shell-shocked state.

Another knock. _Go away._, a thought bubbled up lazily onto the surface of her consciousness. But to her dismay, the door seemed to open, and from the sound of it someone was coming into the room. It couldn't be one of the med-techs bringing her food or taking a look if she was still in the same state because they never knocked before they came in, she thought slightly annoyed at the med-techs.

The foot-steps were shuffling a bit, as if the one they belonged to was weakened or old, and they were coming nearer. Then they stopped. Then she heard a soft sound indicating that something was wheeled over to her bedside. And then came a short sigh indicating that someone was having difficulties with sitting down. She thought she recognized the voice, but she choose not to follow that train of thought.

For a while the room was silent, apart from the two breathing rhythms sounding unnatural loud in the clean and sterile environment. Suddenly she heard her visitor clear his throat to start a conversation. Three times, actually.

"Kara… do you… want to talk?" Ah. Commander Adama. So she _had_ known the voice. _Do I look like it?_, she thought a little annoyed, but didn't say anything. But Adama obviously wasn't prone on giving up easily. "If it means anything to you, Lee has been in the brig for three days now. And he isn't talking, either." To that Kara just shrugged mentally, trying to hold the confusing and much to intense emotions that were connected to the name "Lee" in her mind at bay.

For a while, the room was silent again. Then Adama spoke up again: "Look, Kara… You will both not get your flight status back if you're not talking to us. Lee, because he won't get out of the brig by throwing everyone dark looks and brooding and you, because you won't get out of Life Station as long as you're shutting everyone out. Is this really what you want? Lying around on Life Station? You can have that, but then you can forget about flying forever. Did that get through your thick skull?" For a moment she tried to be indifferent to that. She even went as far as thinking _What's it to me if Lee's sulking in the brig?_, and _You can try the lecturing father routine as much as you want, I won't fall for that._, but in the end just one sentence stuck: _"You can have that, but then you can forget about flying forever."_

Forgetting about flying. Forever. Flying. Never again. Never ever. Something inside her stirred. It stirred and it lifted its head a little disoriented and suddenly it was out in the open and seething hot. Kara had been grounded for three days now, and suddenly she felt like she would suffocate in the narrow room without windows. Suddenly all the feelings that had been silent under the sheet of ice that had been created by humiliation, self-loathing and shock seemed to be heating up and rapidly producing cracks in the cool surface.

The only outward sign of the storm that had broken lose inside her was her breath hitching in her throat. But in her head everything tumbled down in a messy heap. She was furiously mad at him. She felt like she deserved being beaten up. She wanted to give the little brat a thorough thrashing up herself. She wanted to give _herself_ a good thrashing up for behaving like a little scared girl. She wished she could forget about the whole incident. She wished she was already starting to make excuses for Lee. She wished nothing of this had ever happened. She… she missed her sky.

With a sigh she turned around, saying: "Well…"

**

* * *

**

**The brig**

Three days they had tried to break through Lee's "Don't talk to me, don't try to make me talk, don't even _look_ at me."-routine, but not even Tigh's taunting had brought a satisfying reaction. Strangely enough Tigh had refrained from any further insults on Kara's expenses but had concentrated more on pointing out Lee's inadequacy at fulfilling his duties as the CAG or at flying or at commanding. Or even at playing cards. Nothing of this could coax anything out of Lee because he just felt it was true.

He _had been_ neglecting his CAG duties now for an awful lot of time. He _was_ not as good as Kara at flying. He _was_ having troubles with upholding discipline among his people. And he _was_ often enough having terribly bad luck at cards. But what was more important: He was a terrible friend. Lee just felt relieved that Tigh didn't have that much inside in his personal life that he fully comprehended what a loser at interpersonal relationships Lee felt he was. He had managed to drive away the one person that mattered more than anything else to him so far away from him that could be in another universe for all he knew. It was really just luck that Tigh had no clue that Lee felt like the universe biggest dumbass in the universe.

"Good morning, Captain. I take it you still have no intention as to stop staring at me and actually start talking?" Lee just gave him a cold look. "I thought so. Well, I guess then it won't bother you if we take you completely off the roster for an infinite amount of time. Because, if it still hasn't got through to you, you won't get out of here if you don't tell me why in hell you did such a frakking stupid thing as to nearly beat your 2IC to pulp. No telling, no flying. You got that?"

He was about to just stare at the Colonel or at least just nod when the significance of the words sank in fully. No. Flying. For an infinite time. Well, not quite infinite. He just had to talk about the whole damn, stupid affair, and maybe he would be released from the brig and able to resume his CAG duties. He leant back his head and closed his eyes, trying to ignore Tigh's unnerving impatient tapping fingers on the wall beside him. If he talked it meant that he had to tell someone – most probably Tigh – about how he felt after Kara had slept with Baltar, how he felt after she had taken the Raider to Caprica, how he felt when his father had been shot. And those were things he _definitely_ didn't want to discuss with _Tigh_. But if he kept on closing himself off he would be sitting here until the end of all times. Lee had the distinct feeling that not even another Cylon attack would get him released.

Which meant exactly what the Colonel had told him: He wouldn't be flying for maybe a long time. And truth to be told, Lee missed flying. He missed being out in the open, having his Viper as his only companion. Well, his Viper and Kara, actually. Flying with Kara was like… flying with his other half. At the Academy, it had been rumored that Kara and Lee had had some kind of telepathic connection because when they had flown together, they had been in complete synch. They didn't even need to talk much during flying, they just knew what the other would do and knew exactly how to react to it. _Gods_, he missed it all so much. He missed his sky.

"Well, I take that as a yes, so we have a deal. You keep playing the mute, I keep you off the roster. If you would excuse me now…"

"No… wait, sir. I just… Could I talk to Commander Adama?"

To his surprise, the Colonel hesitated only a few before he finally gave in grudgingly. "All right. I'll call him."

* * *

**A/N: **Look, sir, a plot! Well, kind of, at least. About time Lee and Kara wake up from their respective stupors :p Anyway, I do seem the quote Heather Nova quite a lot, I noticed. But I can't help myself, her songs are just such a good source for quotes. Anyway, on to my reviewers: 

**crookedpen - **Yeah, I still can't quite believe that myself :S But I guess all the self-reproaches and the self-loathing is a punishment harsh enough...

**Kou Shun'u - **Well, I think he's gonna get to know some of them in the near future. Wonder how he's gonna take them...

**adafrog - **Oi, thanks for the hug blushes I hope, you liked this chapter since I'm not quite satisfied with way it went but there's a lot more to come for them...

And another special thanks, this time to the wonderful **novalee** who's been sharing my addiction to fanfiction for an eternity now (all right, actually it's been like two or three years, but it sure feels like an eternity!) and has been helping me out with my terrible grammar and some spelling difficulties, not only with this fic, but in general, and I think for that she deserve some huge thanks (although she herself was sasking me if I wanted to threaten her when I said I would put her into my A/N for helping me...). Here, nova, big chocolate chip cookie, just for you! throws cookie in nova's direction


	6. Affirmation

**A/N I: **You are _so_ gonna hate me for this chapter :S

* * *

**Chapter Six**

„_I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned  
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned  
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side  
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye"_

_Savage Garden, „Affirmation"_

**

* * *

**

**The brig**

Lee settled in for some waiting because he knew that it was very likely that his father would need some time to come down. He closed his eyes and leant back. And then the alarms sounded. He groaned. Of course. He wanted to have a once in a lifetime conversation with his father, and the Cylons were attacking. Great. Just frakking, bloody great.

Outside the brig there was the usual commotion. Boots clattering, people running and shouting, the rumbling of ammunition cases and other heavy gear being moved too fast. He waited for someone coming running in and releasing him because they hadn't enough people for the Vipers. But nothing happened. No one came.

And so he sat there, all the time listening to everything that went on outside, frantically hoping that his pilots and their planes would all return in one piece. At one point he became too agitated to stay seated, jumped up and started pacing around the cell. After the first half an hour he started doing push-ups and sit-ups. After the next half an hour he did shadow boxing. Just as he was about to start doing sprints from one side of the cell to another, his father suddenly stood before him. Immediately Lee snapped to attention, which his father only answered with a weary "At ease, Captain."

Lee shifted and was now standing in front of his father, who appeared suddenly very old and very tired to him. Something must have happened. Something beyond being shot. Something… "Captain… Lee… I… Saul told me you wanted to talk to me, and I… appreciated this sign of confidence. But I need to be back on Life Station."

Lee nodded. "I understand. I'm almost surprised the doctors let you out so soon. Sir."

To his surprise his father shook his head. "This isn't about me, Lee. It's… about Kara."

Lee absolutely didn't like the look in his father's eyes. It was a look of weariness and pain and… guilt? "Kara? What's the matter with her? I… I…"

"She went out flying…"

Before he could say anything more, Lee exploded. "She _what_? Tigh told me she had to undergo surgery, and you let her go _flying_ only _hours_ after it? Does she mean _anything_ to you? Can't be much, since you let her out there. Oh, you didn't only _let_ her out, you _ordered_ her out. Am I right? Am. I. Right?" A panting Lee stood before him, anger, worry and reproaches plain in his eyes.

As much as Commander Adama had hoped his son would finally open up a bit, he never expected – and could never tolerate – be the target of that "opening up". Not when it wasn't his fault, in _no_ way, not this time. "Watch your language, son. This is _not_ my fault. If it's anyone's fault then that of the Cylons. She was about to finally talk to me, when they attacked. And you _know_ her Lee. Kara _hates_ being confined to Life Station or the brig when she could or should be flying outside. She was out of the room faster than I could catch her, and no one on Life Station had the courage to stop her, with her "Don't mess with me"-face on and everything."

He eyed Lee. His son was leaning his head against the bars, with his hands grabbing them to support him. He obviously wasn't taking this all too well, but Adama forced himself to continue. "She… did her best. Managed to keep all of the Nuggets out of trouble and kept the Squadron from the worst damage. But she… took a lot of hits. She… only barely made in back to the hangar. I saw her when she was brought back to Life Station. Lee…"

His son groaned and just said "What?", without looking at him. Despite what he had said before, Adama _did_ feel guilty for letting her outran him and dash off into space, when everyone knew she wasn't in her best of forms. But he was the Galactica's Commander. He was telling his CAG that one of his pilots was in coma in ICU. Not telling his son that the woman that was his best friend was barely clinging to life. Right. Commander, CAG, one of the pilots. He could do this.

"They told me she's stable now, but she's in a coma in ICU. They don't know how long she will be in coma. She…" _Commander. CAG. Pilot. Do it._ "she needs to fight if she wants to make it, Lee." For some seconds, there was a deep silence, until Lee turned around and slid down the bars to bury his head in his arms. "I'm… sorry.", was all Adama could say. The silence again broke in, until after what seemed an eternity, Lee said without looking at his father: "Can I see her?"

Adama cleared his throat. He had expected this question but he was still surprised how much force lied underneath the seemingly quiet tone of Lee's voice. "I don't know if this is such a good idea, Captain."

Like a coil-spring Lee unwound and jumped up to stand face to face with his father. His voice was quiet, but the note of steel couldn't be ignored. "I know I made a mistake. A _gigantic_ mistake. An unforgivable mistake. But you don't need to rub that into my face every time one of you comes in here, all right? Isn't it enough that I won't be able to look myself into the eye ever again, let alone look into her _eyes_? I know I'm going to suffer for this mistake all my life. But I want to… I _need_ to tell her that I never wanted to hurt her like this. I know she won't _ever_ forgive me, but I just… I…"

Lee ragged his hair, and his voice became a tad more agitated but Adama chose to stay silent. His son wanted to talk almost desperately, and for once he wanted to give his help at the right moment. "She was my all, my everything. And I wanted her. _Gods_, how I wanted her. But when we were at the reception, she looked so much out of my reach. And she somehow is still Zak's fiancé. I just… couldn't bring myself to… make the next step. I… just… look, if she'd turned me down, in front of all these people… in front of _you_… I guess I would never have lived through this. We had so much time together, and if she had wanted _ever_ me there's been enough time to give me a sign, right? So I left, and waited, the whole night long…"

Adama inwardly braced himself. This was the Baltar-part, obviously. He could see it in Lee's eyes how much the boy – the man, he corrected himself – was suffering from the whole ordeal, and he made a try at stopping Lee, telling him he didn't need to tell him if he didn't want to. But Lee just held up his hand, continuing: "No, sir. I… need to get this off. I need you to know why I went over the edge like that. It was just that… I waited, and I thought that maybe she just had had too much drink and opted to stay in some spare compartment on Cloud Nine or had let herself been talked into a card game. But the next morning the whole barrack was buzzing with the latest gossip. "She went right with him. With the _Vice President_.", they said. "Starbuck's whoring her way up the command chain.", they sneered. And other stuff like that. I tried to overhear it, knowing how my people are. But then I met him, and he made some stupid remark. And I met her, and she made another stupid remark, and everything just clicked, and I swear to the Gods I never felt more jealous than in that moment. We almost traded blows after that, and then she left without a word or a trace, and we couldn't get this cleared up."

By now, Lee was sitting at the other side of the cell, his head on his arms again, his voice only muffled. Adama strained to listen, and could have sworn that his son was only a step away from actually starting to cry. As furious as he had been about the whole affair with beating Kara up, as much he was hurting now for his son. "All the time she was away, I couldn't really think straight. I was always thinking about the fact that if she died we wouldn't have parted on friendly terms. I never would have had the chance to find out _why_ on all the Colonies she went with _Baltar_, and what she felt for him and if maybe I still had a chance. And then… you were shot, and I needed her so badly to be by my side. Gods, I needed her…"

His son was breaking down right in front of him, and Adama had no clue as what to do about it. He knew what to do as a Commander, all right. But Lee didn't need a Commander right now, he needed a _father_. And Adama didn't really know how to be a father to a grown-up man who was about to fall apart any minute. So he still kept quiet and let Lee ramble on. "When she came back, I kind of… I don't know but the moment she stepped to the door of your room on Life Station I felt so… _furious_ at her. I felt so furious at _everything_. From the minute I saw her again everything just… came bubbling to the surface, and then when I was in the crew barracks, trying to somehow fight it out with her she just told me to leave her in peace and just did _nothing_ to defend herself. And I just… cracked. I can't… I don't…"

Adama realized that he had been right with his assumption. Lee had obviously cracked under the expectations everyone had at him, his seemingly unrequited feelings for Kara, his jealousy, his worries… His CAG had desperately needed a break, which no one could have given him. In the end the outburst had been nobody's fault, just the consequence of a chain of unfortunate events. Of course it was still partly inexcusable, but to recover from it Lee needed to forgive himself. And he needed to tell Kara about everything. In peace. With no one interfering. The Commander nodded, a little grimly. When he spoke up, his voice was level, controlled, quiet. But it had the same steel in it as Lee's voice before. "Get up, Captain, and follow me to Life Station."

The relief that shone through the anxiety in Lee's eyes was almost making his father sigh in relief himself.

**

* * *

**

**Life Station**

After he had been released from the brig and been escorted to Life Station Lee had felt anxiety and a kind of giddiness bubbling up beneath the now again controlled exterior. He almost dreaded what he would see on Life Station as much as he longed to see Kara again, sit by her side, watch over her.

He was being led to ICU. Kara's bed was positioned behind the screen. Her pale and almost fragile form was hooked up to so many screens, IVs and tubes that he briefly wondered if his father hadn't been understating royally with stating her status as "critical, but stable" on their way to Life Station.

Someone had placed a chair beside her bed, and Lee sat down, urged on with a little nod from his father. When he was seated, having automatically taken Kara's hand in his own, the old man squeezed his shoulder slightly and then excused himself. Now it was just Lee and Kara.

Lee took a deep breath, staling himself. "I… I don't know if you can hear me, but I wish you could. Even when you most probably would be wishing me a slow and painful death right now if you could. But I just… I need to tell you a few things, and I hope to the Gods that I don't screw this up. First of all: I'm… beyond sorry for doing this to you. I know that there is now excuse, and believe me: I've been to hell and back every waking minute since… the incident. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me for what I did or if I even deserve being forgiven. But I… I really want you to know one thing: I never stopped loving you. Not when you were with Zak, not when you went to the Galactica after his death, not even when you told me that you let him pass unwarranted. And surely not when I got to know about your… thing with Baltar. Dear Gods, Kara, how jealous I was. I hadn't been visited by the green-eyed monster, I _was_ the green-eyed monster."

He ragged his hair with his free hand, a little nervous. But he knew he had to get this off his chest. If he managed to say this to her once she was unconscious, then maybe he could manage to say it when she was actually awake, too. "And then you went away. And my father got shot. And I went into the brig. And everything just went… down the drain. I felt like the worst officer I ever met, and I was out of my head worrying for you and my father and Roslin and… just all. I was… I was…"

He propped his elbows up at her side and buried his head in his hands. How could he ever explain what had made him snap to anyone else if he couldn't even quite explain it to _himself_ properly? A humorless smirk appeared on his face for a second or two. He was about to break a second time, and this time he would have a full blown nervous breakdown, he just could feel it. Wasn't every downswing supposed to stop at some point? Weren't you supposed to only get up once you hit rock-bottom? How far did he still have to go down? Where would be _his_ rock-bottom? When…

"Lee?" His head snapped up, just to look right into the groggy eyes of Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.

* * *

**A/N II: **All right... I'm not really satisfied with this chapter, 'cause it appears to be kinda redundant. But please bear with me 'cause it's a quarter to four _a.m._ over here, and I'm ready to fall asleep any moment :S I _promise_ next chapter will be the last, and Lee and Kara _will_ talk in that chapter. But that's all I say about it ;)

I thank my reviewers, as always. And as always there's a little extra phrase for all of them:

**Kou Shun'u -** I hope you are okay with the way I let Lee tell his father everything and with the way Adama reacted. I feel like I should have given him more room :P

**adafrog - **Here too I hope you forgive me for giving the Commander not enough room. If it bothers you too much I might feel compelled to rework it a little, since I'm not quite satisfied with it myself.

**crooked pen - **Err... you're hating me right now, aren't you? I mean, because I still didn't give Lee and Kara an opportunity to talk. But I needed to get Kara confined and weak enough so that she would actually listen to what Lee has to say, and Lee to open his eyes that it's very easy to lose those whom he loves without actually being able to tell them.

**veon - **Thank you for yor very enthusiastic praise ;) I'm sorry though I couldn't let Lee and Kara clear the air in this chapter, but I hope you except the explanation I gave crooked pen :)


	7. Winter Blue

**Chapter Six**

"For every lover there's a piece of sky…"

Heather Nova, "Winter Blue"

* * *

"You bastard.", she said, trying to stare with malice at him.

Lee, at her bedside just couldn't fully hold back a smirk when he answered: "I'm fairly sure that I'm legitimate." Which earned him just another glare. Somehow he felt relieved. Glaring at least he knew. Glaring resembled more of the Kara Thrace he knew.

For a moment neither of them said anything, then Kara said: "What do you want, Adama?" He cleared his throat, opened his mouth… and tried again. In the end he needed three tries to finally get out: "I… I'm here to say I'm sorry, Kara."

One eyebrow in the pale face on the cushion was raised. "What else?" Lee tried to keep looking in her eyes, but the tired and slightly annoyed look she through him somehow forced him to take off his eyes.

He clasped his hands, looking at the wall opposite him. "I… um… I know… what I did was…"

"Inexcusable."

He closed his eyes at her quiet voice and his fingers were moving nervously. "Right." For what seemed like a painful eternity no one spoke. From her point on the cushion Kara watched Lee lose his composure. At first he just stared at the opposite wall, with his hands clasped tightly and fingers twitching. Then he hung his head. Then he unclasped his hands and put his face in them, rubbing his temples and his eyes by turns. At the end he put his head on his arms.

She closed her eyes. This wasn't how she had imagined it. She had thought she would be seething with rage when she was seeing him again. Or at least feeling angry. Just anything. But not feeling tired and exhausted. Granted, she had just woken up from a coma, and she hadn't been in her best form even _before_ the Cylon attack. Kara opened her eyes and looked at him again. And she remembered something. "What did you say when I was still in coma?"

He looked up, confusion on his face. "What did I…"

"Say when I wasn't fully awake yet. You said something, I want to know what. That's easy, even for you, Adama."

For a moment his usual indignation at her insubordinate behavior was fleeting over his face but then it seemed as if he had himself back in control. "I… um… I… I can't…"

She frowned at him, and unconsciously her hand grabbed the sheet, holding it as tight as possible. "Tell me, Lee. You owe me that."

He looked at the wall again, racking his hair. "Actually I owe you a lot more." Surprisingly she was stunned by the quiet tone in which he uttered the sentence. Could it be that he was actually and really regretting what he had done?

She breathed in deeply. "Yes, you do. And I will remind you at every possible moment. But for now I just want to know what you could say to me when I had my eyes closed and can't say to me now." Was that a look of relief on his face? Was that even a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth? Now she _did_ become agitated, if only a little. What was there to smile about? "Frak it, Lee…"

"Alright, I just… I need to get this right, okay?" She said nothing, just stared at him, willing him to finally look at her again. She wanted to look him into the eye, when he was saying whatever he wanted to say. After he cleared his throat for at least the third time he finally started. "I said that I was… beyond sorry. I know it's no use and it won't make it any better, but I can't tell you how often I went through hell and back when I was in hack. I… I didn't know how I could ever look you – or myself for that matter – into the eye after everything that happened."

Here he _did_ look her in the eye, even if only for a fleeting moment, and she was surprised to see overwhelming remorse and pain in his eyes. But she didn't say anything, letting him talk instead. "I… I am… I am so sorry I couldn't hold on to my famous self-control. I know it's no excuse but I just… something inside me broke when you were not reacting. I was… I don't know… I just… In that moment I just felt it was beyond unfair that you were tired where there had been weeks of jealousy and pain and troubles behind me."

Jealousy? Her head came around in a small, jerking motion. He had felt jealousy? His eyes met her for another time, and as if he had read her thoughts in those mere milliseconds of eye-contact he continued his talk. "That's right, jealousy. When the whole ship was buzzing with the news about you and the Vice President… No, even before that. I know you won't believe me but I had been waiting for you the whole night after the dance at the reception. I had to get out of the room because if I had staid I would have… I…"

He stopped when he saw the disbelief in her eyes. And was somehow relieved when she tried to hit him on his arm, but failed because she was still too weak. "You frakking bastard. If you had just made your move then and there. You are such a coward!"

He ragged his hair. "Well, yes, I am. But you… you just… Look, Kara, you're still Zak's fiancé, and then there was the _Vice President_, interested in _you_. How could _I_ be of any interest for you?"

She closed her eyes in frustration. "I'm _not_ Zak's fiancé anymore. He's dead, Lee. I do miss him with every fiber of my heart, for every miserable day of my life, but he could never take your place, not even when he was still alive. You were just too blind to see that." She was arriving on a point where she didn't care anymore if she was ruining anything with what was practically a declaration of undying love in her case. She just didn't care because she felt there wasn't anything left that could be ruined.

To her surprise he said quietly: "Maybe. And maybe you were just too subtle for me to see."

She snorted a little. "Me? Too _subtle_? Only in your dreams, Adama." For a while all that could be heard was the gentle steady buzz of activity from outside the room until Kara spoke up again. "What do we do now, Lee?"

She opened her eyes again, when he said: "I… don't know. I'll keep on trying to make right what can't be made right ever again, and you'll have to endure all those attempts."

Kara closed her eyes again and said: "Yeah, maybe. Don't cherish the illusion that I'll eventually forgive you just one microsecond of what you've been doing to me in the barracks. But _maybe_ I could at least try to. If I knew what in all heavens drove you to that, that is."

He could take a clue when he saw one. And that one had it labeled it all over itself in letters bigger than the _Galactica_. Lee coughed. "Right. You know… I… don't even know myself. I just… I was telling the truth when I felt angry at you for not reacting and fighting back. And I was scared. I was scared of you, and I was scared of the rage inside me. In that moment everything was just boiling up again. The jealousy and the pain and the tension and the pressure form everyone and just… everything."

Before she could say something he held up his hand, determined to get this over with once and for all. "I _know_ that it sounds like "It's the others' fault, not mine!", but it's not meant like this. I'm just trying to explain to you that I reached my breaking point and I… You once said something like everyone had their breaking point and that you wouldn't want to be around me when I hit mine but it turned out you were the _only one_ around at that time. I just… I know that I should have staid in control, but I didn't and that's absolutely and only my fault and I…"

Suddenly his ramblings were stopped by a tentative hand placed over his. "You're babbling, Lee.", she just said and squeezed his hands so lightly that it was almost impalpable.

He looked down on their hands and said: "Right. I am. I'm sorry…"

His hand was squeezed again with a little more force. "Stop apologizing, Lee. Just for today. Or I might start to suspect that this is some clever and cunning scheme to get me to make you stop apologizing once and for all."

He looked up and she hoped that he saw the smirk lingering at the edge of her mouth. Then he looked down to see their hands still be entwined. He took his away from under hers and then took it again with great care and very gently and squeezed it, never taking away his eyes from hers. "You'll never get me to stop apologizing for this _ever_. And you'll never get rid of me ever again, because it will take a lifetime to repay this. And I _will_ repay you."

And then he cleared his throat and prayed to the gods that Kara wouldn't think of his words being as cliché as he feared them to be when he continued: "You know, the exchange rate would be a hundred nice words for one bad, a hundred caresses for one cold gaze, and…"

She smirked. "Stop trying to be a poet and make a fool of you, Adama. I get your meaning clear enough. I mean, that _does_ mean that I can blackmail you into using your hot shower as often as I want to, right? And drink your booze every time I want it, right? And…"

"Everything you want, Kara.", he barged in quickly. And before his self-control could get the better of him, he added "I would have given you everything you wanted already long ago. If you had just asked me."

For a moment he feared that he had overstepped a boundary, but then she took his hand in hers and squeezed. "From now on, I'll mark your words, Adama. Even if you wish you'd never uttered them." But she smiled, and she squeezed his hand, and she even let him kiss her palm, and everything was right for him.

It came a little surprising for her as he put her hand to his mouth and tenderly kissed her palm but after a first moment of bewilderment she let it happen, and she was also surprised at her heart rate accelerating a few beats and the pleasant warm feeling flying up in the pit of her stomach. Granted, she knew that they still had a long way to go before them here, but right now, with her hand in Lee's, and his mouth on her skin and his words in her ears she truly believed that they could make it. She allowed herself a little smile. This felt like coming home and taking off again at the same time. She liked the feeling.

* * *

**A/N: **Phew, finally done (PlanetKiller, my beta-reader for "Minor Characters" will have a field day now because I don't have any excuses left for not continuing that story ;)). I know I took my time but we were in the final stage of the elction campaign, and after that I had to go flat-hunting and start to organize moving (which I still have to do butI have a tendency to procrastinate...), but well, it's over now. I'm not quite satisfied with this chapter as well because I'm not quite sure if it manages to keep on the thin line between good writing and trash, especially at the end. Tell me what you think of it, please. Now to my reviewers:

**Dark Aislin - **Thank you for your hint, but I'd really have apprecitated if you'd uttered your critiscm in a... well... more constructive way.

**SG1SamFan - ** Thank you very much for your long review. I know what you mean with saying that it sounds a lot like I'm kind of placing the blame on anyone else, and I tried to let this critiscm influence this chapter. I hope I made that clear enough because you were absolutely right and I really wanted to change the whole fault-thing a little.

**Kou Shun'u - **Well, originally I planned to give the Old Man a little more space in this chapter but it turned out that it just wouldn't fit in with everything. But I **could** write an epilogue from Commander Adama's point of view if there's any demand for it.

**crookedpen - ** Sorry I couldn't update any sooner but sometimes real life just gets in the way ;) But when I'm done with moving on thursday I'll have a month's time to just dedicate to writing if I wanted to. Let's just wait and see what will worm itself into my head ;)

**Oh, and just one last thing:** The exchange from the beginning of the chapter ("You bastard." - "I'm fairly sure that I'm legitimate.") is taken from shishi's "Protector"-series on lingdata. net, unfortunately without asking because I didn't know how to approach her. I hope she can forgive me, should she ever stumble across this story. In case she really does: I absolutely adore the "Protector"-series! A great piece of Hoshi/Malcom-fiction!


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